Top 10 weirdest sex-related injuries

Sex. It's great isn't it? Except when it's excruciating and humiliating and puts you in hospital. Read on for 10 tales of XXX-rated woe, best enjoyed with your thighs clamped firmly shut.

Top 10 weirdest sex-related injuries

Hickey from hell

Usually, the biggest worry with a love bite is it will stay just long enough to embarrass you at work the next day. But tell that to the New Zealand lady whose love bite gave her a minor STROKE. Her man had sucked so hard on her neck that he caused a blood clot to form in an artery, paralysing her down one side. Fortunately, doctors were able to treat her before the damage was permanent, so it's officially OK to laugh.

A very large tool

The thing about electric saws is they cut through things quite well. This is a fact that escaped the US couple who decided to make a vibrator more agile by attaching it to one such power tool. Before you can say "Don't be an idiot", she was being rushed to hospital with her nether regions cut open. She recovered, and the police decided no crime had been committed. Apart from stupidity in the first degree.

Bum rap

You know when you're fooling around with someone in bed and you're getting really turned on and you decide it would be really sexy to pour concrete inside your rectum with a funnel? No? Oh. Well, it seemed like a good idea to one gay couple – until the cement set and he had to get doctors to excavate "a perfect concrete cast of the rectum". One for the mantlepiece, that.

Kama Sutrarrgghhh

The Kama Sutra may be a timeless text on human sexuality, but it proved to be a real pain for one middle-aged Russian couple. They were attempting the "deck chair" position, with her feet jammed under his armpits, when at the moment of climax she had a massive muscle spasm that trapped him inside her. "We couldn't help laughing looking at them," reported one paramedic, who also emphasised they "were not young at all." Talk about adding insult to injury.

Condumb

A doctor in India was mystified when a female patient complained of having had a serious cough, runny nose and fever for over half a year. She'd been put on various medications, but nothing seemed to help. So, fearing the worst, they ran some hospital tests. And realised she had a condom lodged inside her lungs. Apparently, she'd inhaled it during an act of love, without actually realising it. But hey, at least she was having safe sex.

Bite me

What's worse than a van ramming into your parked car? A van ramming into your parked car while you're sitting inside, receiving oral sex from your secretary, so the force of the collision causes her to bite off your penis. That's what a Singaporean businessman endured on what must count as a very, very bad day at work. (Oh, and the whole thing was witnessed by a private eye hired by the secretary's husband who'd suspected her of having an affair. True story.)

Kiss of deaf

Everyone loves a good snog, but a young chap in China got so stuck into a tongue sandwich that he ended up making his girlfriend deaf in one ear. Apparently, he'd kissed her vigorously enough to reduce the air pressure in her mouth and "pull the eardrum out", according to a doctor who treated her. "While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution," one newspaper solemnly declared.

A grave situation

Nothing says "sex" like a cemetery, as goths everywhere will agree. Unfortunately, it can cause the occasional bodily mishap. One lady in the US experienced it first hand when she was visiting a relative's grave and came over all randy (as you do). Getting down to it there and then with her boyfriend, all their jiggying around caused a tombstone to collapse onto her leg. We're not sure what's worse – the pain of the wound or the indignity of having the news hit the papers the next day.

Having a ball

It's not just sex with someone else that can get you in trouble. Even "self love" can have dire consequences. One bored machinist learnt this the hard way when he decided to stimulate himself by rubbing his groin on an engine's canvas belt. Later on he turned up in hospital, his scrotum swollen to "twice the size of a grapefruit" according to the horrified doctor, who realised the man had a) lost one testicle and b) tried to bolt his scrotum back together using a staple gun. We hope you weren't about to have lunch.

A right nutter

Is there any way you can actually increase the size of your penis without surgery? We have no idea, but it's fair to say that sticking your appendage inside a heavy duty welding nut is not the way to go about it. One Malaysian welder did just that, hoping to somehow yank his penis longer in time for his wedding. Instead, it got stuck so firmly on that doctors were forced to remove the top layer of his organ to take it off. Wince.