Sexual fantasy without the guilt

Sexual fantasy without the guilt

If you think about it, sex begins in the brain. Sure, it's a physical activity but if the brain is not engaged, not much is going to happen. It therefore follows that an active imagination can not only make you ready for sex, but actually help you have a really fulfilling sex-life. Within all this is the rather more complicated issue of fantasy - something many of us feel guilty about...

Imagine all the people

Fantasy is an absolutely fundamental part of human nature and something we never really grow out of. It also forms a huge part of our sexuality and yet many of us can feel uncomfortable with our sexual fantasies, worrying that we're turned on by weird stuff! This is a pattern of thought that needs to be got rid of - immediately!

Filthy fantasies and sexy thoughts are somewhere safe all of us can go and act out things we might never do in real life: such as having sex in a public place, sleeping with an inappropriate person or having a threesome. The thing is, sometimes they get us hot precisely because they're not real.

So deep in my mind

Our sexual fantasies often express some aspect of our unconscious mind. If you dream about being submissive or passive in your fantasies, it might be linked to a wish to have high sexual arousal without any personal responsibility - but equally, it might not. If we fantasise about having sex with someone other than our partner, it can feel like an act of betrayal. We worry it reveals a desire to be unfaithful or it might indicate we've gone off our partner.

In truth, this is very rarely the case. Lots of evidence suggests that people who fantasise the most are in happy, loving, trusting relationships. It's perfectly normal for the mind to explore places the body has no intention of visiting.

To share or not to share?

So the next question is - do you share your fantasies with your partner or keep them to yourself? Obviously, this will vary from couple to couple and personality to personality. Some will find sharing and acting out fantasies an amazing and enriching experience, increasing trust and intimacy. Others might not. Fantasies are extremely personal and there are risks involved in telling them to someone so close to you.

Make sure you and your partner discuss your sex life in depth and approach the matter with caution if one of you is less adventurous.

What's new?

On the other hand, if you find experimentation in bed a bit embarrassing, fantasy and role play can offer you the chance to let your imagination run free and for you to be someone else – a new, confident, sexy you. Think of it like a practice area you use for building confidence and beginning to try new things.

Getting out of your usual role in the bedroom frees you from the inhibitions and baggage that may go with it. Insecurity has little room in good sex and it can help you to learn what you find erotic.

Play time

Role play in sex should be exactly that – play! Most role play scenarios do involve a dominant and a submissive character: the teacher and the student, the doctor and the patient, the kidnapper and hostage. While some may think a power imbalance such as this demeaning or perverse, experimenting with this dynamic can actually offer a means of gaining a real understanding and respect for one's partner.

Of course, there's nothing to stop you switching the control around, anyway. You can let your imagination run riot with role play and the more detailed your shared fantasy, the more you will both get out of any scenario you play.

However, if you’re finding it difficult to build your fantasy, try erotica. You could explore bookshops for erotic books and art and there are a wealth of magazines and videos out there to suit any taste.

What will I be?

In the bedroom (or living room, kitchen, motel…), you can be anything you want to be: a husband, wife, casual lover or one night stand. How about a naughty nurse, hot cop, dangerous seductress, or subservient slave? Why not all of the above? The only limit is your imagination, your adventurousness and your willingness to experiment with things.

Sexual role play spreads over a spectrum of behaviours and acts from talking dirty to becoming and dressing like another character. It also often flirts with taboos, strutting into realms of cross-dressing, bondage, or ideas of sex between typically unaccepted pairings such as teachers and pupils. Whatever you do, just make sure it’s fun, empowering and enlightening for all involved. So get naughty and get nice!