A man in search of relief
"I would rather be locked down in locations with asbestos pouring out of the walls into our LUNGS than be teased to use the bathroom." This was Zak's understated reaction to having nowhere to relieve himself while in the sprawling Winchester Mystery House, which he compared to being trapped inside Wonka's chocolate factory. (That was just an excuse to start licking the wallpaper. Which he did do.)
Zak really, really doesn't like snakes. So when he saw one in some bushes, he naturally decided to pick it up. "Oh my god I'm crazy why am I doing this right now?" he asked, quite reasonably, while holding it an arm's length. Then he decided to drop it and run away while babbling "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm out I'm out I'm out I'm out." He's truly America's Attenborough.
The Zak dance
Ghost Adventures yields a lot of discoveries and victories. The boys usually celebrate by high-fiving and saying "dude" a lot. But one time, Zak decided something more was in order. "In honour of this discovery, gentlemen, we shall dance". What followed was something a bit like Riverdance, but rubbish. Thanks for that, Zak.
You scratch my back…
In between shouting at ghosts, Zak makes sure he flirts outrageously with every comely lady he meets. Including the gal who recounted the terrifying tale of a phantom which left scratch marks down her back. Cue Zak's immortal reply. "Scratch marks down your back? Well, join the back-scratch-mark club. I'm a member."
Sometimes, Zak's fury towards bullying ghosts gets the better of him. On being told of one phantom's unruly behaviour, his reaction was swift and firm. "I hope he DOES haunt here. He's got a rude awakening coming because I'm gonna call his ass out. I'm gonna THROW him off this damn island." Who needs a proton pack with trash talk like that?
What possessed him to do that?
In one of the show's most notorious moments, Zak was literally possessed by the spirit of a murdered housekeeper. How do we know? He kept telling us, is how. Then he wandered off, looking a bit confused and unsteady on his feet like a newly awakened toddler. He was definitely possessed, because noone would have the gall to act that badly on national television.
The crew stood back and watched as Zak – brave and bold as ever – crept towards an ominous hole in a wall. "Wow… there's like something alive right here," Zak whispered, before carrying on with the sort of heroism that brings a tear to the eye. Then he started screaming and backed off in terror. It was a cat.
Look, climbing to the top of a rickety factory tower that's been there for 100 years is a scary thing. But if you're going to do it, at least TRY not to have a nervous breakdown on camera. Try telling that to Zak, who almost wet himself when he saw all the cracks everywhere. "Don't talk…" he whispered to the cameraman. "When you talk it scares me. Just don't talk." He then walked carefully back to the ladder, like a man shuffling about with invisible pants around his ankles.
"This is my area."
When the gang entered a sweet shop to buy provisions for a lockdown, Zak gave new meaning to the phrase "kid in a candy store". Advancing on vats of sweets with a basket, he provided a running commentary as he grabbed at everything: "Some of these. Some of these. Some of these. A couple of these. THIS IS MY AREA, GO TO THAT AREA. These are mine. Some of these. Some of these. Some of these." Only the sight of a giant gumdrop snapped him out of his reverie, as he held it up and announced: "We may be having a lot of licks."
We felt honoured when Zak saw fit to visit these shores, even if he did sort of try it on with one of the women working in the London Dungeon tourist attraction. She was in the role of Mrs Lovett, of human meat pie infamy, and he was quick to point out: "You could eat me." Another classic line from the man who also gave us: "Bad spirits fear my biceps."