10. Rockstar – Nickelback
Any Nickelback song is an anti-aphrodisiac for two main reasons: they're the single naffest rock band in the history of music, and Chad Kroeger sounds exactly like a man straining angrily on the toilet. As if that wasn't enough, Rockstar WILL compel you to sing along to the chorus, every single time, and your scrunched up karaoke face really isn't a good look mid-bonk.
9. The Lion Sleeps Tonight – The Tokens
There are certain sounds you never want to hear in the background when getting down to some hot and heavy carnal action. These include Alan Carr's voice, the Benny Hill theme, Huw Edwards announcing a terrorist atrocity, and the "a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh" chant from The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Also, you can just about imagine Sting having sex to this, which should be enough to put everyone off.
8. A Whole New World – Peter Andre & Katie Price
So sickly sweet you could pour it on your pancakes and call it breakfast. Not that anyone will be sticking around long enough for breakfast if Pete and Katie's hymn to their own love comes on while you're between the sheets. Peter Andre's Mysterious Girl actually makes for better sex music than this, which is something nobody has ever, ever said about Peter Andre's Mysterious Girl.
7. Earth Song – Michael Jackson
There is only one possible scenario where Earth Song is a perfect sex-track. And that's if you're embracing under a waterfall on a tropical island, amid glistening rocks and jewel-like starfish, about to embark on some magic sex-ritual that will cure Mother Nature of all the ills humanity has inflicted on her. If this isn't you, you might want to put something else on.
6. Yellow Submarine – The Beatles
The Beatles absolutely excelled at songs you'd never want to have sex to. I am the Walrus? Octopus's Garden? Or how about Maxwell's Silver Hammer, a touching ode to a deranged killer? The winner, though, is Yellow Submarine. The sound of Ringo singing "We all live on a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine" again and again would be enough to kill an orgy at the Playboy Mansion stone dead.
5. Fitter Happier – Radiohead
Not exactly a song, more of a sort of jangling futuristic nightmare noise that everyone skips over when they're listening to Radiohead's landmark OK Computer album. If you're sexually aroused whenever you hear Stephen Hawking's speech synthesizer, then you're in luck. If not, not.
4. Agadoo – Black Lace
Ah, the sound of rubbish office parties in the 80s. As well as putting thoughts of sweaty salesmen and big-haired ladies doing the conga around a photocopier into your head, Agadoo also has the horribly rhythmic "Do! Do! Do!" bit that will make a joke of any groinal thrusting that's currently taking place. And let's face it, groinal thrusting is pretty ridiculous at the best of times.
3. Barbie Girl – Aqua
We're not sure what the least sexy thing about this classic tune is. The main female singer's shrill, Alvin and the Chipmunks-style vocals? Or the grossly gravel-voiced guy who comes in with "Come on Barbie let's go party" and sounds more or less like a pimp? Either way, it's a song that works quite well when you're smashed on WKD on the dance floor, but not so good when nibbling on your partner's tingly bits in bed.
2. Who Let the Dogs Out? – Baha Men
Oh yes. You'll have reason to regret ironically downloading this track if it comes up on shuffle while you're peeling your lover's undies off with your teeth. If the sound of the Baha Men yelling "Who let the dogs out?" doesn't kill your libido instantly, their barking most certainly will. On the other hand, if rather than having sex you're actually engaging in a hilarious pratfall in an early Noughties family comedy, go ahead and put it on.
1. Scatman (Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bob) by Scatman John
A winning combination of very bad 90s dance music and a chap with a fat moustache jabbering (or "scat singing") into a microphone, Scatman was an unlikely hit in its day. It's also, without any shadow of a doubt, the unsexiest song of all time, just a few seconds of which will make you hiss and recoil from your lover in a way that'll seriously harm your relationship, long-term. Try it and find out.