Disaster dates

Aah, the minefield that is dating. Everyone has colourful scars and harrowing battle stories to show for their years on the singles frontline.

Disaster dates

From the lover that stuck their tongue so far down your throat you thought they wanted to eat your tonsils, to the loser who couldn't start a sentence without the words "Mummy says...", the dating scene is rife with war criminals. We've rounded up some sorry tales that'll have you believing that hell, maybe your love life isn't that bad after all...

Board stiff

"Isn't it amazing how you can tell that a date's going to be horrific within the first few minutes of starting out on it? I once went on a (blind) date organised by a (now ex!) mate. We organised to meet up at a local bar that she picked out. She looked okay and I thought that I might just survive the evening when she said, 'A hot chocolate please waitress... No I don't drink. Hey they have board games here, do you want to play Trivial Pursuit?' Geek alert or what?" Sally

Spray it with flowers

"A bloke I was seeing offered to cook me dinner at his house. So I went there expecting a fantastic meal. When I arrived he said, 'Sorry, I haven't bought any food' and we ended up having undercooked spaghetti with grated cheddar on top for dinner. Later on I went to the bathroom - it was filthy and there was no toilet paper. I didn't wash my hands as the soap looked like it had pubic hair on it. When I came out of the bathroom, I caught him in the act of spraying air freshener on his feet! I chucked him pretty soon afterwards!" Gillian

Heading for trouble

"Finally got together with a guy I had really liked for ages. At the end of a drunken evening we fell into bed and things got quite heated. We were 'mid-action' when I leaned down to kiss him - and whacked my head on the corner of his bedside table. I thought I was fine until I realised his face felt really wet. I switched on the light to see what was going on and his face was covered in blood! I had knocked my head quite hard, obviously not realising how hard, and there was blood everywhere! His pillows and sheets were soaked and while looking down at him in disbelief, a drop of my blood actually landed in his eye! That sort of ruined the moment for both of us. Gross." Caro

Sad affair

"I had a first date once that didn't start off well. First of all he rang up a couple of hours before we were due to meet and put it back an hour - I thought it must have been something urgent that had cropped up but oh no he just wanted to watch Brookside. Nice. And then once we'd met up (by the bookstalls on the south bank - a very romantic place to meet by the way) we set off for a tiny Malaysian restaurant in Soho. When we got there we were squashed into a tiny corner table, bang next to another table with - wait for it - my boss and someone else from the office, who were obviously having an affair, and weren't too pleased at being spotted!" Jane

Burt in the crossfire

"When I was 16 I went to a movie with an older guy I had met at a house party, who breathed loudly and groaned in my ear during a Burt Reynolds film. I didn't go out with him again." Jennifer

Cruel blow

"A friend of mine at college was dead chuffed when she managed to get off with the president of the student union. He was incredibly cool, into all the right things and great looking to boot, although he knew it a bit too much and was really arrogant. But she was really pleased with herself and things were going really well until he asked her back to his room in the halls of residence. Just at the crucial moment as she was going down to - how can I put this - give him a mind-blowing experience to remember, he looked down at her and whispered "Enjoy". That was it for her - she packed up her things and was off." Arianne

Bad note

"I did have one bad experience when I was about 17. On our first date he took me to a crowded park on a hot summer's evening in Sydney and sung U2's With Or Without You at the top of his voice to me. I should have guessed that something wasn't right when he turned up with a guitar under his arm - he wasn't even drunk! I didn't stay for long and didn't return his calls! Liz

Recognition mission

"On New Year's Eve I met a girl who I ended up snogging. Despite being so drunk I could barely stand up, I managed to get her number and a promise that she'd go on a date with me. When the big day came around, I realised that I couldn't even remember what she looked like, though I was sure I'd recognise her when she turned up. Unfortunately, I didn't. I spent half an hour standing around like a loser before ringing her mobile to discover that she was standing about ten metres away from me. She hadn't recognised me either... and it was all downhill from there!" Shane

Dating on thin ice

"She was a lovely girl and it took me nearly a year to pluck up the courage to ask her out. I took her ice skating cause I thought she'd think it was an original date. Now, I knew that she had some type of epilepsy type condition but I didn't think it was that bad until she had a full-on seizure on the ice rink - the kind where the person loses all body control and sort of flops around throwing their arms and legs about. I had to go with her in the ambulance and to ICU. And typical of the luck I have with women: she was too embarrassed to go out with me again!" John

Getting fresh on the dancefloor

"I met this film major bloke who I thought looked nice and we arranged to go on a dinner date. As I left the house my flatmate secretly slipped a massive packet of breath fresheners into my pocket as a joke. Mr Film turned out to be a huge bore and I had to ply myself with wine just to get through dinner. I clearly got quite sloshed as I agreed to go on to a bar for an after-dinner drink. As I took off my coat, the breath fresheners leapt out my pocket and went skidding in slow motion across the entire dancefloor. Film Man smugly retrieved them for me - clearly thinking he'd pulled - eeugh! I got a taxi home alone soon afterwards..!" Debbie