So what’s it all about?
Welcome to the parallel universes of sex…
Universe 1: The Public Universe
This is the one we read about and watch on TV. It’s a hot media frenzy of confidence-wielding sirens who have imagination, audacity, the right underwear and and the latest oral techniques guaranteed to blow a lover’s mind. We're told we should be having the same amazing sex life. So why aren’t you? No pressure obviously…
Universe 2: The Private Universe
You and your lover. And mostly, it’s not like it is in the magazines and movies. You don’t look like ‘those women’, you think his ex may have been better at it than you and you’re not sure what his prostate is or where. And, can you really be ‘enough’ when you’re tired, stressed and struggling to remember the latest position of the fortnight?
Comparing these public and private worlds can be very bad for your sex life. Heaping unrealistic or excessive expectations on yourself and you'll bound to start doubting your bedroom prowess. Remember, the fear of not being good in bed tends to be a self-fulfilling prophesy! Tension, nerves and anxiety are not good aphrodisiacs.
What is a good lover?
Being good in bed is about making your lover feel fantastic and, to quote Bananarama, it’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it. A survey of men and women, aged 20 to 50, shows that being hot between the sheets has little to do with technique or experience… In fact, according to them, to set the duvet on fire, you simply need one or more of the following:
A sense of humour Insightful pillow talk Enthusiasm – being ‘up for it’! Imagination A willingness to experiment Patience Selflessness and sensitivity Stamina and fitness Love and affection Spontaneity Chemistry/sexual compatibility Passion and a shameless sense of erotica!
Funnily enough, the ability to deliver an eye-crossingly good orgasm wasn’t mentioned…
Five top tips on getting it right?
1. Learn from each other
Firstly, and most importantly, if you’re sleeping with someone who makes you feel you’re not good enough, you’re with the wrong person. The best lovers learn from each other, guide each other and seek out the highs together. Above all they care about the other’s feelings.
2. Remember, self-confidence is sexy
If you're thinking about your stomach and not his hand as he wanders south– you’re missing out. If you feel he will judge you or simply for being who you are, he’s not worth the hassle of removing your knickers. A positive self-image will benefit you in the bedroom and beyond. Believe you are gorgeous. He obviously does. Trust him. Lovemaking is built on the stuff.
3. Immerse yourself in the moment
However, if self-consciousness is hard to shrug off, distract yourself by focusing on him rather than you. Immerse yourself in what you can see, touch, feel and smell. Really pay attention to his responses and if you’re not getting lots of positive feedback, ask a few questions. Does he like that? Harder? Softer? More? Just remember you’re a sex goddess not Jeremy Paxman during a quick-fire round of University Challenge...
4. Show some enthusiasm
Openness and communication are big winners in the boudoir and will show that you are genuinely interested in giving him pleasure – a little enthusiasm goes a long way; a lot goes even further…
5. Forget all the manuals
Don’t get bogged down by sex guides and instructions – this is about love-making and seduction not assembling flat-pack furniture. However, it’s a good idea to have some idea of anatomy – his and yours. Masturbation will show how you like to be touched – definitely information worth sharing! Reading up on the male body, learning what’s attached to what and having a few ideas on how to stimulate him is a good starting point and will boost your confidence.