What’s it all about?
Talking dirty is talking sex – saying explicitly what you’re thinking and feeling, what you’re going to do, what you want to do, what you’ve fantasised about… It’s about uttering the words that will make your partner think he’s died and gone to sex heaven.
Why might I like it?
There’s nothing more powerful than being desired, feeling like the centre of someone’s sexual universe. Tell your partner you want him, need him, lust after him and you have the power to make him Master of that Universe.
As you whisper in his ear, you hold him enthralled. Your voice is the only voice he hears; his thoughts will be focused on you alone. He is anticipating your next word, your next move. Waiting. Now doesn’t that make you feel good?
But what about the really dirty part of talking dirty – those words we wouldn’t use in front of our mother to describe acts we might have read about but never done? Where's the fun in that?
There’s a sense of liberation in crossing boundaries. It also feels good to be bad. Wantonness never did anyone any harm in a happy, healthy relationship!
Top tips on getting it right
1) The fear of sounding stupid puts a lot of people off giving sex talk a chance. So, shed those inhibitions. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and there are ways to get around any potential awkwardness.
2) Vocabulary can be an obstacle. There are hundreds of words for our sexual anatomy but how many do you feel comfortable using? Talk about it with your partner. Once you’ve found the right term, it’s so much easier to say what you’d like to do with them.
3) If you’re feeling lost for words, use other people’s. Watch erotic movies together, even porn if that appeals. Alternatively, try books like Nancy Friday’s ‘Women on Top’ for inspiration.
4) But whatever you say, stay true to you. If you’re the shy, quiet type, your beloved may be taken aback if you suddenly launch into a strident tirade of sexual obscenities. Go with what comes naturally. As you relax, you’ll find your own voice.
5) One way to break the silence is to simply vocalise what you’re thinking. Sex involves all the senses, so talk about what you see, taste and feel. Presuming you actually fancy your lover and enjoy his touch, this shouldn’t be too difficult. Just be honest and complimentary!
6) As you touch him, ask him if he likes what you’re doing. Harder? Softer? Faster? Slower? Encourage him to start talking to you too. It will make you feel more connected. Once you’re comfortable with this, let words precede actions. Tell him what you’re going to do next, what you’ve imagined doing together.
7) If you’re unsure how he’s taking this new-found vocal input, just ask. A murmured ‘Would you like that?’ or ‘Does that turn you on?’ are simple questions and his response will reassure you or guide you in a better direction.
8) The way you say things is almost as important as what you say. Breathiness, a soft voice, moans, whispers – all good. So good in fact, that you could probably seduce him by reading out your shopping list.
9) Swearing is harsher, more aggressive and potentially more controlling, but talking dirty – really dirty – flouts the conventions of ‘proper’ behaviour. A few expletives can add rawness and urgency to what you’re saying. Like it or not, it means business.
10) As we say to our kids, bad language is not cool, but in certain situations, being bad can feel very good - and if you turn the lights off, he’ll never see you blushing.